So my share today is something that I haven’t talked about with many people.
It has taken over 7 years to get to the point where I can a) talk about it relatively openly and, b) without feeling a sense of fear of talking about it. But it’s still uncomfy.
When I first talked about it back in 2011 to a close friend, I gave myself shingles through the emotions created of gripping fear, exhaustive stress, and belly bashing shame. (Shingles and stress go together very nicely!!) See Louise Hay – You Can Heal Your Life, amongst other books.
I have been stalked by 3 different people.
All narcs, all either alcoholics or ex-alcoholics.
All in a vat of pain, which as an empath I could feel. And as a rescuer, I wanted to help. At the time I didn’t know I was an empath and that I was feeling their pain.
My first stalker sat outside the gym the first time. I was so innocent to be honest, I didn’t realise it was stalking. But now I can very much see he was testing the boundaries, seeing how much I would take.
The stalking was on and off, due to me rejecting him and his behaviour several times. But like they do, he messed with my head, made some horrible comments over that time. Upset me, confused me.
He stalked me for around 3months. I tried to call him on it, he just sent me a text which, like they do, made it out like I was the crazy one. He used to use different vehicles because I knew his registration. And that made it much harder to build up the courage to go over and rip the car door open. But I knew it was him.
Then in August 2011, after 3 months of this turning up outside my house, the gym, and this time seeing him close up enough to know it was him driving away, I called him on it directly, because the anxiety of all this was through the roof for me. I could feel his pain, and to be honest, I just wanted him to just talk to me if he wanted to. I put out the olive branch to put an end to it all.
Yet instead, this open-hearted empath got a really unpleasant, vile in fact, communication back that stated “leave me alone, or I’ll call the police. Take 1000 paracetamol and f*ck off and die”
I took responsibility for their behaviour and thought it was my fault.
My mum knew what had happened and I said to her “this isn’t the end of it, I don’t know why, but I just know”.
Now, I was so scared at the time, that although I was meant to go out that evening, I cried off, because the stalker knew where I would be, and my friend at the time was pretty clued up enough to ask me what was up.
As frightened as I was, I told them. They promised to protect me, but I was still exceedingly stressed. And I was scared to death that the stalker may turn up.
I told another friend a short while after, as they too had asked, and ended up so scared yet again, and stressed and anxious about telling someone, for fear of consequences, that I came out in shingles a week later. Very VERY painful.
Suffice to say I was off work for about 2-3 weeks, sleeping pretty much 18hrs of the day through shingles, the extra sensitivity of it with the Fibro , barely able to feed my cat, and not able to go out the house as I was infectious. It was pretty rough. There were many tears. I felt all on my own in this. Alone and scared.
I had light duties at work for another few months after, as I was so weak from it and the mass anxiety I had been left with, from being around a narc’s energy, was crippling me.
The Trigger that Triggered the Stalker to Repeat his Behaviour
Then a friend of mine (who they fancied) got together with another friend of mine, and bam!, I knew that would be what started it off again.
And it did!
Another 3 months of them sitting outside my home, my work, the gym. This time I asked my friend who knew them if they had started drinking again. Yes. They had. Then the question came “Why would you ask that?”
I told them the truth. I had seen the weight gain on my stalker’s face, so much so, yet again, I couldn’t be 100% to turn hulk on them. Extreme stress again from sharing that with my friend. They said about calling the police, but I said that wouldn’t do anything, this person was hurting. Yet again putting their feelings above my own!?!?! But underlying it was fear of what might happen. ‘Was it my fault?’ I would think.
My friend didn’t believe me and said they would ask the stalker outright. Funnily enough, the person denied it. D’uh, course they would! I knew why they were the way they were, and after that they turned up again, this time crossing 4 lanes of fast-moving traffic to sit on a grass verge. This time, I ignored them. And it stopped because they weren’t getting the attention they wanted.
But I was left with agoraphobia to a point. I wouldn’t go into town in case I may spot them. I didn’t want to go to the gym any more. I absolutely panicked if I saw someone with the same sunglasses as them. Everything in life was a struggle.
And they tried a year later to impress and get back in my good books but luckily that failed. I was able to say how their treatment was vile and if they did that again, they would get it back both barrels (metaphorically I might add!!). I saw them quite a while after at a restaurant when I was out with my family. But they were more scared of seeing me than I of them and fled with their girlfriend.
Then popped along stalker 2. Someone I had met in a professional capacity who overstepped boundaries. A 4-bottle a night alcoholic.
I had learnt a little by then, so when I got unknown silent phone calls, and them turning up outside places, I was much more clued up in how to behave.
I had been given a book on addiction, which stated all about enabling and I realised that was what I had been doing, enabling their behaviour. That didn’t last long, as Spirit put a stop to it in their own unique way.
No-one would believe me though, until I told a therapist years later and her face said everything. She believed me. She understood. And for the first time, I felt like I had been heard.
That was after having had several counsellors, ref the first stalker, who basically implied I was making it up, and that it was trivial. I was suffering with mild depression and severe anxiety from it all.
Stalker 3, to my knowledge only tried it once. But they tested me in other ways. Lieing, creating drama, confusion techniques, pitching people against me, belittling me, until I had had enough and managed to break free of that ‘friendship’. – Friendship my @rse!
So what have I learnt:
– narcs get attracted to empaths because of their nurturing, giving, and often boundaryless nature.
– empaths get attracted to narcs because they feel their pain and want to rescue.
– I learnt I didn’t need any drink, not even that 1/2pint, to relax.
– That when you trust the wrong people, it can and most likely will, backfire!
– boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
– if you overgive, you will get takers!
– Loving yourself means you may still attract them, but you won’t allow them to stick. Your narc-radar has its checklist ready.
– stop rescuing others, when the one person you need to rescue is yourself!!! (A biggie!!!!)
– codependency is an actual addiction and needs help, healing and therapy to recover
– narcs offer empty promises to keep you hooked.
– we can only be responsible for our behaviour, no-one else’s.
– trust your gut. Pay attention to the red flags!
– learning to love yourself means you will respect yourself enough not to be around that energy.
– vulnerability: it takes courage to share with others even the most painful of experiences (this post)
– that vile comment is the reason I haven’t written blogs for my business (occurred to me very recently) and that’s why this social media challenge is the start of that recovery and so important to me. It’s healing that last little segment.
– stalking is an offence. Don’t take it lightly. Report it to the police straight away.